TOOLS

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE & COMPASSION

I hope whatever you are going through that others are bestowing upon you grace and compassion. We have no control over what others do or don’t do for us. If you have the capacity to explain to others what you are going through and ask for what you need, I encourage you to do this. I know it is a gamble to do this, because there is nothing worse than needing help, asking for it, and the other person not coming through. However, at least you have asked, instead of just hoping someone will infer what you need. If they don’t help you, then you are still on your own to figure things, but if you ask and they help, then that’s something, right?

Be mindful that what you are going through may also be difficult for others to deal with. Maybe they feel inadequate, confused, or overwhelmed. Maybe they are being triggered by something, some part of the condition or event you are going through or being triggered in how you are reacting things. This does not mean you need to alter your needs or feelings, not at all, this is your life and your needs and feeling are valid. Just recognize that in human interactions, even if others are trying to be fully present for you, things may be going on with them; give them grace.

Also be aware that the effects of your condition or event will probably live with you for a long time, perhaps the rest of your life. An initial diagnosis or catastrophic event, for those not directly affected, wanes quickly as they move back into their unaffected lives. For those of us effected, it tends to become our central focus and others can get sick of hearing us talk about whatever this thing is. Be mindful to not over-burden others and seek out those who are good about letting us rattle, blather, sob, and process our life-altering event; and be there for them in return when you can.

But mostly I hope you are able to cultivate grace and compassion for yourself. As the days stretch out and you are not functioning as you wish to, be very patient with yourself. Berating yourself, using negative self-talk, being disappointed in yourself, or having unrealistic expectations about your situation and your recovery will not help the situation, but will probably make it worse. I am asking you to be kind to yourself because there may be days when you are the only one who will do this and I think if grace emanates from us, others will be more likely to send it back our way. Cultivating your self-grace, compassion. and strength will aid you throughout your recovery and accelerate it.

REFRAMING

Reframing is the intentional decision of choosing to look at your situation differently. I owe my life, several times over, to my ability to do this.

Are you going to sit and have tea with your demons or are you going to tell you demons to go pound sand? Are you constantly repeating in your mind the list of terrible things that have happened to you? Or your list of what you think your terrible attributes are? Are you constantly telling yourself what your triggers are? Negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies, they can rule you and your life, they can destroy your relationships and drive people away.

And if any of the negative thoughts rolling around in you head are the voices of others (parents, relatives, people who have authority over you, employers), then why are you even allowing them into the sacred space inside your own head? It’s bad enough to battle your own voice; do not allow others’ in if they are not saying constructive, supportive, and encouraging things about you.

Do not say , “I am disabled,” instead focus on what you CAN do and let your mind run over the list of things that you can do. You might say you have “some barriers,” because that is the reality of the situation. But you also have a whole host of other things you CAN do; THAT is your focus. And those barriers—I encourage you to look for ways to move around them, jump over them or kick them the fuck down!

Recently (see, I still have to work my way through things as well) I stopped saying, “I don’t need anymore problems in my life” and instead I say, “I would prefer to not have anymore interesting experiences in my life.” (I say “would prefer not” because I know what I think my wants and needs are might be different than The Universe’s opinion on that.😄 ) Interesting experiences—that is now what I call PTSD, the fire, and all of the other things formerly known as “problems,” or “issues.” It feels like less of a negative connotation to me and more like acceptance. And ultimately, going through what I have gone though in my life is REALLY interesting!!

If you are new to the practice of reframing or trying on a new thought-stream, like any newly acquired habit, it takes time for the new healthier thought pattern to replace the old negative and/or dysfunctional thought pattern. Be patient with yourself but please keep at it and be vigilant about it.

I can only speak to my own experience here, but the times I was most suicidal was when I was letting the negative thoughts saturate my brain and it was a downward spiral, one negative thought leading to another and it was a very dark place. I had to learn to stop the thoughts in their tracks in a very intentional manner. I acknowledged the thoughts and then quite literally would tell them to “Fuck off!” because letting them take hold minimally led to an unproductive, bleak day and maximally led to the well-formed suicide plan. In speaking to others about stopping and replacing negative thoughts, I have had a lot of people nod their heads in agreement about the debilitating nature of dysfunctional thoughts and how much power they can hold.

I want to reiterate that this practice of reframing has saved my life. If I did not master this practice and use it daily as my outlook in my recovery, I would not be here trying to reach you, Fabulous Reader. If this concept is new to you, you do not know until your try it and keep practicing it. Please try it.

CHUNKING

Chunking is the concept of breaking a task or larger event into small, manageable pieces.

I was first introduced to the concept of chunking in 1997 when I worked as a Job Coach with adults with developmental disabilities (DD). Then it became necessary that I use chunking in my own life when depression and fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue decided to become present in my life a year later (talk about timing!!). And when PTSD, and especially complex PTSD, arrived on the scene, I REALLY needed chunking for the complete overwhelm I felt by even the simplest, smallest of tasks.

An example of chunking was how I would use it with my clients who were DD and this especially shows how it can be tailored.

If the task was needing the lobby of the cafe cleaned, my approach depended on my client’s abilities and capacities. We used to call this a “level of functioning,” but now it is referred to as a level of independence. If the client was someone with high independence, I could say, “Hey Mark, I need you to clean the lobby and when you are done check back in with me please.” Mark would take out the trash, replace the trash bags, put the chairs up on the tables, sweep the lobby, fill the mop bucket with hot water and soap, mop the lobby, put the broom, mop and mop bucket away.

If my client had lower independence the conversation would go like this: “Hey William, I need you to clean the lobby. First, take this bag of trash to the dumpster, put a new bag in the trash can and then come back and see me.” William would take the trash out and sometimes remember to put in the new trash bag and sometimes not and sometimes he would remember to find me and sometimes not. Once that piece of that task was completed, then I would say, “Okay, now put the chairs up on the tables and then come and see me.” And so on it would go with individual instructions for sweeping, moping, et cetera.

As a child protective services and public health/homeless division social worker I also used chunking a lot with my clients. These clients came with a variety of challenges: varying degrees of mental health issues, usually preexisting trauma (and then if their children were detained—removed from their care—trauma from that), substances abuse, developmental delays, a generational culture of behaviors that were dysfunctional, mistrust of authority, physical health issues, et cetera. Introducing these clients to chunking was essential to get them to complete the tasks needed to get their children back in their care or help them establish more stability and housing. Imagine (or maybe not) being given a verbal task list or a court-ordered case plan and the social worker just walking away versus a social worker who would sit with you and patiently explain every step, answer all your questions, write down each task into smaller steps that made sense to your brain, print you a map and give you the bus schedule to get to your appointments—and be willing to repeat the process again as many times as you needed because you probably lost your list of things to do or you just couldn’t comprehend some of the tasks?

Think of the task, “I am going to climb Everest.” No one just wakes up and climbs Everest; that requires major planning, lists, steps broken down into smaller steps.

I have used chunking to help manage my limited energy because of my chronic fatigue. I certainly used chunking in managing my complex caseload as a social worker. When I got PTSD chunking became even more essential when there was the near-constant backdrop of anxiety. Then with the complex PTSD, there is no way I could even move throughout the day without chunking because I could not see from one moment to the next and the feeling of being overwhelmed was nearly, or sometimes actually, crippling. The need to break down my tasks into ever increasing smaller and smaller steps was essential. If I got nothing but 3 of 4 steps done on one task in one day, well then, good for me!!

I am a big advocate of and have been using chunking professionally and personally for over 20 years. I relied on chunking the most when I retired and intentionally did nothing but focus on my recovery for 10 months. I was so overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks such as managing my daily self-care, household chores, finances, and shopping. There was the constant backdrop of anxiety, numbness, fatigue, depression, being dissociated, and the strong desire to be avoidant and isolate. The thought of needing to take out the trash, call the insurance company, and shower could consume my whole day. If I didn’t have the ability to break down each task and instead be consumed by the totality of all of them, I would not even be able to get out of bed.

And remember to celebrate the steps. If you took a shower today because you 1) got out of bed, 2) were able to pick out fresh clothes (or pjs), 3) take a shower—then good for you!! If you hoped to do five things on your list, but got three done—good for you!! That is three more things accomplished than had you not done them at all. Do not see that as a failure, to not accomplish five things, but a triumph to accomplish three! (See that Reframing there?! Reframing AND chunking!! How exciting!! I am such a dork!)

And I would like to encourage you to advocate for yourself in regard to chunking if you find it to be something that works for you. Do not be afraid to slow people down or ask them to repeat things when they are explaining things to you. Ask for written information or ask them to help you write a list. Take notes, write lists or make a list on your phone. Calendar things to control the amount of things you do. If you have memory or comprehension issues because of what is going on with you, don’t think, “I’ll get to the car and make my list,” because by the time you get to the car. . . . . wait, what were we talking about (yeah, that so happens!!).

Chunking can make you feel like you are accomplishing something rather than feeling like an abject failure. Please embrace it!

Title of this photo to illustrate reframing at its finest:

“HAPPY THOUGHTS”

I know these are not great pictures, but me being me, I literally had to “reframe” a painful moment from my life. My father, when I was trying to explain what my life was like living with depression, told me to “Think happy thoughts.” End of sentence, discussion was done, no fleshing this out or asking me more pointed questions, like “What is it like for you to live with depression? How do you get though daily life?” Or perhaps a statement, such as, “That must be rough for you. I am sorry. Can I do anything to help?” Or, God forbid, “You have done amazing things! You are smart and strong! I know you will get through this too. I have every confidence in you.”

There is irony here in that, as painful as his vapid and vacuous statement was, he was unknowingly on to something—this is after all the basis of reframing: mentally tweaking the thing that bedevils you by thinking of it differently. But his comment was not a verbal treatise on approaches to dealing with depression or help for his beloved daughter. No, it was the lock clicking on the slammed door in that part of the dungeon in my mind that was craving for my daddy to open it and rescue me. I had been there and done that with my father all my life. Why did I think this moment would be any different? There is me, always carrying that little crystal of hope, always striving to maneuver it so it will capture that ray of light and bring brightness and illumination to the moment. I love me because I am like that. And if the crystal does not align to capture that ray of light, well, then there is my sense of humor that is my salve, my way of accepting the moment and turning it into something deliciously funny.

So when after the fire, I found this Victorian post card online, well, I had to have it. The phrase “Happy Thoughts,” a vintage post card, with frolicking, wacky cats, a heart, and flowers!!! And I spent a lot of money at a frame shop that allowed me free range to design the layout with mats and the ornate frame, all of which was profoundly necessary: part of fire-recovery to “replace” my art burnt in the fire, essentially telling my father to go fuck himself because I am making it though everything that has befallen me, with flying colors (eventually), determination, sass, and humor, and despite his lack of positive presence in my life. There it is!! Figurative and literal reframing at its absurd finest! That’s how it’s done Fabulous Reader!

Of course, my life being my life, I only got to fully enjoy this piece of art for 18 month post-fire as it now sits in storage for over one year as I live in my travel trailer. Another chance to practice my patience—look at that, reframing on top of reframing. Not a fuck my life moment at all because this too shall pass (nice mantra use, Bun!). Laughing with The Universe as It laughs with, not at me.

PRACTICE YOUR GRATITUDE & COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

I believe that no matter how bad things get, often they could be worse. And I will say there are circumstances where one might have to dig really, really deep to find gratitude or count blessings. In a train car load of those bound for the concentration camps, or sitting in the basement of a building in an active war zone, are there those who are grateful for the life they had and for the next breath they will take?

And if you are not one of the people, in such dire circumstances, then perhaps it is that matter of perspective that you need. And as the days pass from the initial shock of what it is that ails and grieves you, then hopefully things you should be grateful for and count as blessings will come into focus.

There came a time in my very early 30s when there was clearly something wrong with me and doctors were useless in helping me figure out what it was, but all testing showed I had nothing fatal. Whatever had sapped my energy, and therefore my life, wasn’t going to kill me and I had mostly decided that I was not going to kill myself, so it was a real shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment. I remember lying in bed and thinking, “Well, I still have two arms and two legs that work and I have half of a brain, so I need to figure out what I can do with my life, with this new me.” And I realized that I was grateful for what I did still have, what mental capacity I did have, for the things that I had, and for the people who loved and cared for me. And those thoughts of gratitude and the blessings in my life helped carry me forward through that period of recovery in my life. And yes, this is another form of reframing, just a very specific form.

As my home, belongings, and town were burning in the Paradise Camp Fire, I was grateful that I still had my life, my cat son Ku-Co’s life, my friend Greg’s life, my car, and the few possessions I was able to load in my car before evacuating. I was blessed to make it out of the fire; 85 people were not.

Practicing gratitude and counting blessing is such a huge part of recovery. I find that I am profoundly grateful, even for the smallest of things, such as beholding a tiny, colorful flower on my walk—I can see it with eyes that work, I was carried to it on legs that work, the color and design literally excites my brain (I really think this is a positive effect of PTSD for me, how “excited” my brain gets about the perception of sights, sounds, and scents. They can literally be nearly orgasmic for me). I am grateful I have made it to this day.

I think whatever you have gone through that has led you here, it is important to intentionally take a moment to step back from it and very consciously and very mindfully to acknowledge what you are grateful for and count your blessings. It is important to mentally take yourself away from what is consuming you to embrace that that nourishes, supports, and lifts you and to very intentionally acknowledge it.

Some people make a list every day of things are they grateful for, or say prayers in thanks for their blessings. Whatever it looks like for you, Fabulous Reader, I would strongly encourage you to practice your gratitude and count your blessings.

EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN

There is research that shows that art, music, reading, journaling, crafting, puzzles, cooking/baking, having any type of creative outlet improves mental health. There is the engagement of pathways in different parts of the brain, impact on brain wave patterns, and the release of endorphins and serotonin. Having a creative outlet takes your mind off things, and can change your outlook or the way you perceive the world. Creating art can be a way to process what you have gone through.

And this is not the place to say, “I can’t draw,” “I am not good at __________.” The editor in your brain or from society or your family is not welcome here. I strongly encourage you to find a creative outlet so you can engage your brain in as many ways possible in a positive direction and to stimulate it in a positive way. There is evidence that depression and PTSD change the structures of the brain and you need to give your brain all the positive stimulation you can to help rewire your brain and regain your functioning.

If you have the slightest inkling you would like to do something creative, then please do it. And it does not need to cost a lot. Go to the dollar store and pick up a journal, some crayons or colored pencils, and a pad of paper.

Art has always been an essential part of my life. I enjoy looking at it. I enjoy the creative process of framing art and hanging it with other pieces that enhance it. The loss of my art collection in the fire was devastating for me. Things of beauty that had personal meaning to me and were signed/numbered, limited edition, or historical pieces—irreplaceable and now they do not exist. My recovery process definitely involved collecting art again. But the positive aspect of PTSD is that now art, colors, textures, patterns, these things actually make my brain “happy.” I don’t know how to put it any other way. I enjoyed art before the fire. Now art makes my brain freak out in a happy, excited way

I hope you find creative things that make your brain feel good during recovery (and I don’t mean drugs or alcohol people!) and you seek these things out and relish them, as proof that something positive is happening in your brain when there may not have been a lot of that for awhile.

Depression, PTSD, being inactive due to “disability” can lead to further mental health issues or dementia in the future if we do not treat our current conditions. For the love of God, we do not need more shit, ah I mean, more interesting experiences in our lives!! Create, stimulate, and exercise your brain Fabulous Reader!! Not just for your life today, but for your life in the future.

Just a FYI—the pictures in this site, unless otherwise stated, are pictures I take while out on my walks. These are the things that draw my attention. Look at me exercising my brain and my body!! Go me!

EXERCISE YOUR BODY

There is enough research and articles on the internet that show exercise is important for a variety of reasons: mental health, physical health, mobility, longevity, better sleep, controlled blood sugar….

I remember before the onset of my full-blown fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue (1998), the general wisdom was working out meant serious hard-core sweat, effort, and elevated heart rate for many minutes at the gym or participation in vigorous sports. And at that time I was regularly going to the gym, hiking, running on hiking trails, backpacking, and biking. And then all that came to a screeching halt when even getting out of bed to consume a bowl of cereal would be so exhausting I went back to bed for the rest of the day (fuck, no wonder I wanted to kill myself!).

If I even entertained the thought of wanting or needing some form of exercise, I was immediately defeated because I thought if I didn’t exert an extreme amount of energy and effort (none of which I possessed at the time) then there was no point or benefit.

Thankfully there is plenty of research that is now showing that extreme effort is not necessary to get the benefits of exercise. The standard wisdom now is 150 minutes of exercise per week, even mild or moderate, is extremely beneficial. And those 150 minutes can be broken down into 10 minute chunks (hey, check out chunking!!), so that is very manageable without being overwhelming. Even walking for a few minute 60 to 90 minutes after a meal can help regulate blood sugar which can stave off type 2 diabetes.

In learning to manage my new life with the fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue I had to really change my thinking about exercise (yep, good old reframing!). I knew there had to be some benefits to exercise even if I wasn’t panting or sweating buckets. And then I came to believe that if I could only exercise for 10 minutes per day, 5 days per week, well that 50 minutes would be better than no minutes surely. And this thought, that something, whatever can be managed, is better than nothing really motivated me to have some level of activity. And this is now proving to be true, so good job me!

I have used this reframing and chunking concept—something, however small, is better than nothing, with many of my clients. When our and/or society’s expectations are so big as to be daunting and block us from achieving something, we just have to have a different approach to make things manageable. And exercise is so important for recovery, for the overall health aspects, for the release of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine, which our jacked-up brains dearly need, and to get us out of our heads, and communing with the outdoors or others at the gym.

And if you can do one more minute next time you are active and keep doing that, then you can build up your stamina with little effort. And then you will start to feel better. And eventually this will become a habit, getting some form of exercise.

Exercise is an essential form of self-care and hopefully you can shift it in your mindset to be something that is sacred and you will not allow others to keep you from this essential thing.

TOOLS COMING SOON!!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION:

EXTERNALIZE

FIND YOUR HEROES

BE IN NATURE

JOURNALING/CHARTING YOUR THOUGHTS & FEELINGS

THERAPY: EMDR & SOMATIC EXPERIENCING

RECLAIMING

PETS, PLANTS, & GARDENING

HEALTHY EATING & GOOD SLEEP HYGIENE

MASSAGE, TOUCH, & ACCUPUNCTURE

PROCESSING YOUR GRIEF

DIFFERENT FORMS OF MEDITATION:  INWARD & OUTWARD FOCUSING

JUST SAY NO!  GOOD BOUNDARIES & SELF-ADVOCACY

KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE

PICK YOUR BATTLES & STAY IN YOUR LANE

REVERSE PLANNING

OATMEALING

LEARN ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY

REFRAIN FROM MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS

OPEN YOUR FUCKING SHADES!!

LAUGH—LIFE IS ABSURD!!!

DON’T USE YOUR PRESETS!!

BE VULNERABLE

MANAGING EXPECTATIONS & ACCEPTANCE

BE OKAY WITH NEED FOR LITERALNESS AND CONCRETENESS

THE SERENITY PRAYER

If you are unfamiliar, The Serenity Prayer is spoken aloud by participants at the end of 12-Step meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Overeaters Anonymous (OA), et cetera. An important part of the recovery process is accepting the things over which you have no control but understanding how to and being willing to control the things that you can (with a ton of self-grace, I would add). And to me, the more traditional term of being “in recovery” needs to go beyond addiction issues, because so MANY people are in recovery from SOMETHING.

I think The Serenity Prayer is just good advice about everyday, sane, calm, purposeful living.

As a CPS social worker I had to carry my ID badge, which was also a door entry card into our locked work place. For easy identification during investigations and easy building access I carried the badge clipped to the right front pocket of my pants in a plastic carry pouch. Also in the pouch was a card with The Serenity Prayer, a card with the mantra “This too shall pass,” and other things that were supportive and helped me get though 15.5 years of many moments.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the the difference.

Some people do not like The Serenity Prayer because it contains the word “God.” Being a big advocate of not throwing baby out with the bathwater, I don’t think the usefulness of The Serenity Prayer should be tossed aside just because it contains the word God. I would recommend dropping the word God, or adding gods, goddess, The Universe, or whatever higher power you may believe in, even it’s a thought that there might, just maybe be a miniscule drop of love and wisdom out there somewhere. Or it is just you speaking to you, reminding yourself and taking to heart that having serenity in acceptance, the strength in being courageous, and embracing wisdom, is something that you need to contemplate.