St. Hairymons
Story Number 4: Grapes of Irony Number 1
Yes. Yes, this really happened. A snapshot of life in today’s world of dating apps.
I “liked” a handsome Jewish guy who actually lives fairly close (the average being about two hours away). He checked a lot of my boxes: education (prefer college, but not a deal breaker by any means), height, (I prefer 5’4” to 5’10”), doesn’t have kids (not that that is a deal breaker, but more freedoms with no kids), doesn’t smoke (a must!), occasional drinker (no heavy drinkers, please!), interests, et cetera. Being Jewish is definitely a rare plus, but not a deal breaker (or I should just give up now!). He responded to the “like” almost immediately.
Him: Hi.
Me: Hi—Wow, you win the award for the quickest reply! Gold star for you! 🙂 Sorry I was not so quick replying back; just got back from a walk.
Shalom! I am not finding many of us Jews here.
Him: Shalom 💗
Especially on the coast 🙂
It’s nice see that your eyebrows are made out of hair instead of paint. 🙂
[I thought that was a bit of a weird statement, but I trudged onward.]
Me: Hahahah! Yep, I am all real (I guess we could debate my tattoos on that, but they are an outer reflection of my inner self and part of my creative side, so…) 😀
So, how has the dating app been for you: horror show, you performing word dentistry, or you finding quality people?
Him: Horror show. Sadly. But I suppose I’m into something specific which doesn’t seem to exist these days.
You?
Me: Yes, for me a scam, doing some good texting and then poof, nothing, word dentistry, no dates so far (but I have only been back on the app for 2 weeks after the scam). Never a dull moment!!!
Him: Sounds like a challenge.
Me: So, what specifics are you looking for that seems to not exist [I asked innocently]?
Him: Pubic hair?
Me: Huh? Having or not having? And is that why you are here? Just to find pubic hair, or would you like a woman attached to it?
Him: Having it.
I’d prefer a woman attached to it LOL.
Me: Oh God I am dying laughing right now!!! 😆
Him: Bare has always been a bit scary for me. 😆
Me: Are you just looking for a hookup?
Him: I’d like a hookup for the long term.
Do you have it [meaning pubic hair, of course]?
Me: So how does that work [hookup for the long term]? Like a test drive? If it’s good the first time, after kicking the tires, you keep driving it?
Him: I think it has to be mutually test driven to make sure everyone is comfortable.
Me: This has gone to a weird place, but I am laughing so hard!
Well…. [I took a deep breath, if I am going to dive in, it might as well be deep]…. I prefer to keep my God-given pubic hair like a “normal” person, and since I was raised in the 1970s mine comes with its own disco ball!!! 😆
Him: I appreciate normal and the spinning lights. 🙂
Judging from your eyebrows it looks like it could be quite prolific 😘
Outside of my desire to run my fingers through thick pubic hair I’m a relatively normal person.
Do you trim?
Me: Geez, I think I have well-shaped eye brows [apparently this is where I place my offense, body hair north of the border]. You make it sound like Sasquatch is my stylist!
[Then at a well-timed moment, given the trajectory of the conversation, Facebook recommends: “Brighten his day by selecting a few compliments to send.” So, I wondered at this point, would that be an emoji of pubes in a confetti-like poof being thrown at him? Perhaps an emoji of a boutonniere of pubes with a coil of a pretty ribbon? What do you recommend Facebook? I did NOT send a compliment, by the way. No need to encourage his behavior.]
Him: LOL A bird’s nest below is a good thing 🙂
Me: I trim, just enough to keep from getting a notice from the fire department about potential fire hazards! 🤣
Him: Oh. LOL. How much trimmed? Like by the sides of your legs?
I have a hose to put out such fires 🔥
Me: Yeah, but are you a former firefighter [I ask, because I AM one! Trying to get some one-up-womanship here].
Him: I have the training. 🙂
Me: For real? [As if my queries will take him from the path of the pubes. Hey, I am trying here!]
Him: Yea.
The more the better for me. 🙂 [And I assume here he is still fixated on pubic hair, not fire training.]
Is it black?
Me: The carpet matches the drapes, but mostly brown [as to imply, not grey].
Okay, do you want to discuss your “relatively normal side,” or are you only on this site for talking about pubic hair?
Him: Both? LOL. (He texted about his job and his non-pubic hair interests: restaurants, photography, cooking, walks, road trips, and cuddling someone close.)
Me: Okay. Because you just leaped right off the cliff there!
Seriously, are you only looking for friends with benefits?
Him: (He texted about where he grew up and went to college and where he lived.)
I’d like friends with benefits but with someone consistent.
But it truly IS tough to find women with pubic hair and it’s something I like.
Me: [I am intrigued. This is information I must have!] Do that many women shave/wax??? What ages are these women???
Him: 30-60.
It seems so.
Me: So even older women?
Him: I’ve heard of it yes.
How did you get to WA [where I live]?
Do you like hair on men?
Me: [Thinking of women who shave] I would like to think they know better!! I am disappointed in my sisters!!!
Okay, this is coming from a former CPS child abuse investigator: no pubic hair = 7 year old kid. Sorry, just where my brain goes. That men like that grosses me out. Plus no man is worth the pain of shaving/waxing!!
Yes, gross if men shave too.
Him: I’m hairy.
Me: [Me responding to his question about how I ended up in Washington] Ultimately the loss of my home in the Paradise Camp Fire in 2018 is what brought me up here. 2-year pit stop in Sacramento until shitty neighbors moved in. My brother lives up here.
Huh, a hairy Jew, really!? Duh. 😂 He attached a crack up laughing emoji in response.
Him: I’m sorry. I remember the video footage. The entire town was pretty much desolated. [Not that this guy is in the running as a date potential, but I think he meant decimated, so if he was in the running, he would be losing points here.]
Shitty neighbors = bad
Thick pubic hair = good
Do you like oral sex Jennifer? [I am glad we never got to proper name usage, as giving him the name I go by, Bunny, would have surely spurred on his furry machinations.]
Me: Well, thanks for the laughs, I truly needed them! But I think this has run its course. Even though we are Jews, I will say a prayer to the patron saint of pubic hair for you, which looks like St. Agnes or Mary Magdalene. Perhaps we need a St. Hairymons?
Best of luck to you!
Him: I really wanted to explore your hairy mons 🙂
Okay, Fabulous Reader, you may be thinking, “Why, Bunny?? Why would you engage with this guy?!” Yes, this was a weird one. And if this had happened in the past, I think I would have gone to that place of just being offended and disgusted and ending things right away. Being a woman born in the mid-60s I was brought up in the culture of women being objects, things you could do with as you pleased, and thought of as unintelligent, weak and, God forbid, “emotional” (my father’s go to as the indicator of all things wrong with a woman). And guess what, I put in my profile that I AM NOT LOOKING FOR HOOKUPS (not in caps on the profile, but maybe I should have; yeah, like that would make a difference!) and I put the profile that I am looking for a long-term relationship, so I think I covered what I am looking for. That makes his statements even more abhorrent. I am not alright with thinking that it is okay to cross a boundary because the man’s needs supersede a woman’s—not.
However, that being said, while I was rolling my eyes when he started in right away with the pubic hair questions, my sense of absurdity overtook me. And then, like the rhino it is, my need to have a witty retort was on the scene and there was no stopping me. If he was going to throw it at me, I was going to wrap it up in a clown suit, big floppy shoes included, and throw it right back at him. I can’ t help myself when presented with such lush material. And as someone with a degree in behavioral science who is enthralled and appalled by all aspects of human behavior AND someone who is chronically curious, how could I not plumb the depths of this man’s peccadilloes and get information he was willing to share on others’ behaviors? This was ripe for the picking. To be fair, as I was laughing so hard that the neighbors must have been disturbed, I did shout out into The Universe that anything he texted could be used against him in the court of my blog; he was warned.
And so I get credit for doing research in the midst of the texting, I let him know about Mary Magdalene and St. Agnes because I looked it up to give a proper reply. Accuracy is important after all. These are the patron saints of hairdressers, the closest thing I could find. I think I need to call the Vatican to request a more specific patron saint for pubic hair-related issues, but I did the best I could with recommending St. Hairymons. I mean if you don’t think about it, totally sounds like it could be a legit name for a saint, probably from the late 1500s.
Of course, after I terminated the texting, I then did ponder the state of pubic maintenance expectations and was saddened by the thought that this could be another barrier to finding a long-term relationship. I mean if the “norm” is to shave, and I refuse, where does that leave me? But then again if a man can’t see past my pubic hair to see my smart, funny, passionate, loving self, then I wouldn’t want him anyway. God, can pubic hair be a deal breaker these days? What is this world coming to?
The next day this man texted me again through the dating app.
Him: Maybe we can meet for coffee. ☕
Me: Well, since your primary motivation is sex and mine is looking for a connection that will lead to a LTR with sex sandwiched in between, I think we are on different paths right now.
He did not respond back, which was just fine because when he mentioned coffee, the only thing I could do was picture, quite vividly, a cappuccino, served in the typical large, white ceramic cup on a saucer, with the foam artfully made into the shape of say, a heart, or a cool geometric design, with copious amounts of black pubes sprinkled on top.
I don’t need any more images like that.
And I am sure you did not either. 😉
(Will you ever look at a cappuccino the same way again? Sorry.)
Photo from Pixabay